Happy New Year bloggies!! I hope it is treating you well! It’s crazy cold here in Tennessee today! So, not much new to report. We have tried and tried to get his mental health appointment pushed up so he can begin therapy services, but of course, the VA says no. It would be especially helpful right now because he is about to start college next week. This is really stressful for both of us. He wants to go, wants to earn a degree, but knows that realistically, being on a college campus is not a good place for him. Unfortunately, because his rating sucks, we financially cannot survive if he doesn’t attend school.
So, what am I worried about? I am afraid that when I wake him up and leave for work, he will go right back to sleep. I am afraid that he will run someone off the road who cut him off on the way there (he usually doesn’t drive except to run to the store down the road for diapers or whatever). I am worried that I’m going to get a phone call saying he has been arrested for either threatening someone or punching someone. I am afraid he’s going to have a panic attack in the middle of class, being confined in a room for hours. I am afraid that he’s not going to be able to control himself and pop off at the mouth if a professor says something he thinks is stupid or disagrees with.
What if he goes for a few weeks, and then decides its too much and he can’t do it? Then we have to cough up thousands of dollars (that we def. do not have) to pay back the VA.
Most of all, I am afraid of what it is going to do to our marriage. We are already under enough stress and pressure as it is, and this is only going to add more. Is he going to have the motivation to sit down and do his homework? Or am I going to have to be the mean wife and keep getting after him to do it? If that’s the case, I can guarantee we’re going to have problems. He hates when I have to remind him to do things or when I have to keep on top of him to have the motivation to do stuff or get a specific task done. At this point, he’s used to it for the most part, albeit still not liking it. But homework? That’s a whole new ballgame. (yes, we Bostonian’s often use baseball references lol.)
I feel like I am walking on pins and needles, waiting for the next ball to drop, the next thing to go wrong. Nothing ever goes our way, ever, and PTSD makes normal everyday let downs so much worse. No, scratch that, it makes everything worse. Hm…next post maybe I will get a little more into his systems and how it effects our everyday life? That will have to wait for the weekend though, I could probably write a book on how our lives are effected by living in the shadows of PTSD.