Having a really tough day today..

Ever feel like everything is your world is going wrong and no matter how hard you try or how much effort you put into things, nothing will go right? That’s about where I’m at right now….I can’t do anything but sit here any cry at the moment, everything is just so upside down.

Work…work…work…work.. Let’s see. First of all, for the most part, I love my job.  I have worked for the organization for the past 7 1/2 years, that’s literally a quarter of my life. I have worked damn hard, working full time and going to school full time, to earn my Bachelors degree to get to the position I am in today.  Last August, my boss (seriously, the best boss ever) transferred to another installation. She has yet to be replaced (it’s in the works I guess.) When I came off maternity leave, I dropped down to part time.  With Tommy’s PTSD, it’s not feasible for me to be gone from the house 11+ hours a day for work (I have about an hour commute each way because I drop two of the kiddos of at their daycare center, then backtrack a bit to my work.) Because I dropped down to part time, I had to move to another location. This meant leaving all of the co-workers I had been with for the past two years, people who became like family to me because I have none. At my new location (two of us were moved there together and the two people we replaced were moved to other locations), I have to work with a very difficult person.  I out rank this person, but they don’t really care.  I think that deep down she is a good person, but her ‘work’ personality overrides this.  She is super controlling, I tell her I need things done a certain way, and she refuses. She questions my every move, constantly steps out of her lane and into mine. I feel like every day is a battle with her.  I confronted her many times in the beginning, and eventually sat down with my ‘big’ boss and discussed my concerns.  She tried explaining that this is just her personality and just to give it time and things will get better.  Well, its been 3 months and every day its worse.  I just want to go in, do my job, and be left alone.  But ugh, I don’t even know how to explain it the things she does, constantly undermining me, watching my every move (literally, they’re like a shadow)..I am not a confrontational person. I feel like I can’t breathe there. So here I sit, looking for new jobs.  My chain is well aware of her behavior and has no intention of doing anything about it, they won’t move them to another location because “no one wants to deal with her”. It breaks my heart to know I am going to have to leave this job, but I can’t do this every day.  It would be one thing if they were my supervisor or something..but they’re not.

So, that’s stress #1. Sounds, like an easy fix, find a new job, and move on, right? Not so much.  If I find a new job, even in the same field, I am going to take a massive pay cut. Also, because our old house hasn’t sold, we haven’t closed on this one.  So I def. can’t quit until old house sells and we close on new one, otherwise we won’t qualify for the loan.

Stress #2, dealing with our tenants.  Until our old house sells, we have it rented out. It was a last resort.  I kick myself every day, this is entirely my fault, but I was handling everything on my own and going back to work at the same time and made poor choices.  We rented out to a younger girl, her fiance, and 2 other guys (all the guys were deployed at the time).  I explained my concerns about renting to them, about making sure the brand new carpets don’t get trashed, and that because it’s for sale I would be showing it often and having an occasional open house and they would need to be gone during this time, and the house would need to be cleaned. (Stupid me, didn’t put the part about them not being there and the house being tidied up into the lease).  So, every time I try to show the house, the come up with an excuse that they won’t be there or its not a convenient time for them.  I have been able to show it twice, both times the house was horribly messy, they’ve already trashed the carpets and the house and yard just looks like crap.  There’s stuff everywhere. It shows horrible now.  I’m screwed.  Until these people move out, there’s no way this place is going to sell.  I already dropped the price 5k (which is 10k under market assessment) and still nothing.  We cannot close on our new home until this one sells. 

Stress #3, little man gets sick every time he goes to daycare.  No joke, every single time I have brought him since November, he gets sick.  I cannot keep missing work to go get him. We tried to have his blood drawn the other day to have his white blood cells tested, but after what felt like forever trying to get a vein, my Tommy flipped and told them to stop and we left..so no answer there.

Stress#4+ He started school today.  He was up all night getting sick with his nerves, and has been texting me all day about how much he hates it, his professors, the people, etc.  It’s only day 1 and its already began. I cannot deal with this with everything else I have going on, but if he doesn’t vent it out to me and hold it in, he will end up freaking out on someone. *sigh* When it rains, it pours.  There’s some other financial stuff going on that I won’t get into, but what I will say is I am so frustrated with this country and our government.  Laziness is rewarded and hard work apparently just sets you further behind.  I had added another paragraph about this but decided to delete it because someone out there will probably get offended and that’s not my intention.

Thanks alot PTSD.  If it weren’t for you, Tommy could get a job, and some of this weight on my shoulders would be relieved.  But for now, everything’s on my plate.